Sister Womb Goddesses.. coming to share in love and grief of my infant …I gave birth naturally at 5 months gestation, he was beautiful and fully developed..living for only one hour… we named him Clarence N. Doe III. .. yesterday…. yesterday was one of the worst days of my life… I was feeling very tender yesterday, grieving my baby..I called in and asked for love, light, prayer and space holding from my sisters…it was my actual Expected Due Date, and I grieved …expected to deliver my baby Clarence N. Doe, III. by cesarean yesterday while the world was blissful in Magikal Cosmology…it was unimaginably painful for me.
I spend the day nurturing myself the best I could.. as I’m healing my body now..from it all.. I nearly died beloveds.. I did some meditative walking, cried..lots and lots of crying.. nourished my womb.. blessed up er’thing.. I blessed my grief.. my desire to love … to watch him grow.. to enjoy him.. and all the significant pleasantry that a new baby bring.. I blessed my cervix because she has been deemed incompetent and suffered from stitching to save his life.. I blessed my body as she heals from a near death experience.. I blessed my womb.. his home and mine.. I blessed my life with love.. so much love and appreciation.. i’m a brave feminine soul.. creatress of life.. all life.. even this preciious life that has passed.
I set lights and poured libations in honor of my Egun ,as always they are my saviors..my mothers father in particular who.. I never knew nor did she really, she only met him once, he was a Jehovah Witness Pastor…he came to me at the beginning of my traditional healing after the birth and death of my baby… which lead to my initiation as Omo Oshun Priestess in Ifa.. to date.. as always my Egun come with no delay with assurance and you know ..what really supported me the most was sisterhood..
I got Real Life spoken into me.. so soft nurturing and lovely …I rested in it.. its a miracle … to allow yourself to be supported. I brought this into a beautiful meditative walking state yesterday as I sunk my feet into fresh blankets of soft snow… felt like I was walking on pillows.. ‘I am supported’.. listening to homes with wind chimes and noticing.. just noticing all the messages of nature.. as I walked to pick up my preschooler… and into the evening.. my phone vibrated with text messages full of love, healing and just witnessing.. I cried and still cry tears of release.. on this screen.. big ones.. with so much gratitude.. sisterhood rang in my soul.. their words and love.. a healing balm.. in the truth, I couldn’t conjure myself… I expected to love him.. to be loved by him.. to watch our other kiddos love up on him… to see my husband lift him up like Mustafa the Lion King as he did our other children in pride and admiration as he softly kissed his forehead. One of my sisters gave me the permission I needed.. she said in full mother spirit…”its okay to love him.. love him all you want and let it wash over me”… I feel so inspired to do so..as I need.. as he calls.
My beloved husband held space for me.. like only a masculine could.. putting aside his own feelings for mine, taking care …I awakened feeling refreshed.. I offered my womb blessings of clearing .. clearing of grief, sadness and continued blessing of my expectancy and desire to love my baby boy … filling up with loves presence.
and so.. today, I’m sitting in the essence of blessings.. the entire 9 months are complete.. there will be more milestone days to come..but this too has passed. So, thankful.. I hope the cosmos are treating you well.. whatever it is.. just be with it… let it wash over you … it will surely pass..for you as well.. such as life.. I looked upon the hills and heard.. ‘these are the days of my life’.. and so they are …Womb Goddess Blessings be upon you all and to the Women who have experienced loss..I feel it in my own bones.. I know your pain.. I see you, you are me.. there is no shame …I love you.