Tag: Healing

Loving The Regrettable Mound

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Dear Womb Goddess,

I’ve been engaging with connecting and healing trauma in my right breast.. lovin her up. My ongoing intention is to be loving nurture.. to nurture myself and others.. nurturing myself into all manners of prosperous conditions of my life for the good of all. I didn’t realize how much my holy mounds influenced this.. I’m sitting here in this space of loving feminine nurture right now.. but I want to go back and share…as I accepted this invitation her in the month of love.. 

I began with forgiveness.. so much forgiveness was needed illuminate the disconnect I had with my right breast, you see when I was a young girl,  I burnt my right breast.. I had some resentment about this with my mother.. she’s in the ancestral realm now.. no love loss.. I adore my mother. When I was about 9,  my mounds began to sprout.. I was a chubby girl so they were really present at this time.. I recall wearing a gown that was a bit old and needed to be tossed, there was a hole in in where my right breast set and nearly my entire areola was exposed. My mother and I were popping popcorn on the stove and I heard her say a few times.. watch yourself.. your gonna get burned.. watch yourself.. and some how I burned my tender breast all around the areola. My mom got some butter and rubbed on it.. the burn stunted my growth.. I have suffered self -embarrassment most of my life when it came to both breast because my right breast was a size smaller than the left..

I remember a day as a young adult getting undressed in front of my mom, for some reason and she asked me about it.. years had passed and  it felt as if she never realized the outcome of the burning that took place.. although I’ve had many lovers, I mostly kept myself covered during love making.. I revealed myself with my high school sweetheart.. this was a very.. very Bitter more than sweet relationship and he pointed out this flaw on several occasions.. I spend most of my young adult years with him and this feed insecurity within me in many ways.. it wasn’t until I gave birth to my second child, my daughter that I began to embrace my breast. I breast feed her and although this breast didn’t produce a lot of milk for her.. it did  produce and it was amazing, she loved my right breast just as much as the left.. I recall nursing her and my mother-n-law spoke in judgement.. “does that breast produce milk”… I said yes and kept nursing her.. I sat in silent pain with this for a spell and disregarded it. My right breast has been a place of feeding my baby girl and a space of sensual nurture to my husband but she was never really my own. Often times both of my breast are a sexual utility for me..

I realized with loving the unlovable breast , that I have never really connected with either of my breast but I honored the left more because it was my “normal full size breast”. I wore pads many days so that they can appear even.. strapless and other outfits that emphasize breast where a place for embarrassment for me..  I didn’t deny myself but I’ve been conscious of this through out the years.. my husband has never.. ever spoken of the unevenness of my breast.. he just loved them up.. for his pleasure and mine.. never a dialogue about it, perhaps I will bring this to attention.. in time. Now, I accepted an invitation as part of living my feminine wholeness through self-nurture and after all this is love month !  I see here that I could not truly nurture myself and especially not in any type of prosperity without connecting with my feminine space of nurture. As women our breast drip in liquid gold.. nectar…they are pillows of comfort to all.. we all nurse on the breast of Mother Goddess daily for life.  With loving awareness..  l accepted my disconnection, years worth of it . My breast hang there.. they’ve nurtured men and baby.. but I’ve never allowed myself to love them and be nurtured by them, especially the “deformity”.

I began with connecting… just turning my attention to my breast gently..  it took what felt like an eternity to come to me.. even for me as a channeler…I asked her what do I need to know.. I began to travel back in time to the day that I injured myself.. I felt all the pain and resentment towards my mom and to myself.. all the embarrassment and shadow.. I felt the invitation to forgive.. forgive my mom.. forgive myself..I asked what’s the wisdom in this… I found myself deep in forgiveness ritual and love.. blessing all parts of the past pain.. blessing my breast as she was in that very moment..pouring love and light rays of healing…I am the forgiver.. I am the forgiven.. I touched my breast.. something I don’t do with attention.. in the shower I wash.. without real regard so I began to touch my breast.. I gave myself a breast check.. and I realized, I have so many swollen lymph nodes along my side, underneath my arm pits and some in the love handle beneath her.. I touched.. with wonder.. loved.. and blessed.. 

A day passed and I partake in my daily body blessing ritual.. nothing to really recall…

This morning, I awakened and brought loving attention to my body.. greeted that day.. said my prayers.. welcomed the miracle of the day.. and it came… I felt my right breast.. she wanted my attention.. I saw with my spiritual eye.. she was filled with blue sky and white fluffy clouds.. she was free… so I continued to connect with all my lovely lady parts.. blessing bringing loving awareness and I felt both breast.. they had beautiful flowers placed upon them.. my yoni mound.. my womb.. all adorned with flowers in spirit.. I spoke gently to myself.. blessed is my life.. blessed, my feminine is whole. I never felt so beautiful and complete.  I gave in…

Mystery.. occurred and I can’t recall but I arrived in a space of inquiry… and I found that my right breast.. the smaller one.. took on the energy of a pear and the right a cantaloupe.. yes if my breast were fruit, what would they be.. perhaps you can inquire to your own beautiful mounds..with so much yoni waves she became a pear.. filled with sensuality.. in  some Chinese culture the pear represents the virgin and child.. sweet and innocence other cultures a sign of affection.. so the google gods tell me, as I did a google search of discernment.. naturally a pear is feminine.. I felt it deep within my yoni… its the fruit of the feminine form ..and Goddess.

The pear is extravagantly and deliciously feminine with its exquisitely golden tinged skin, which yet is of firm texture, in the melting sweetness of its flesh, in its vaguely penetrating fragrance, in its subtle and ravishing and various curves, even if you will in the tantalising uncertainty as to the state of its heart, yes, the pear is surely a fruit perfectly endowed with the qualities which fit it to be regarded as a completely feminine symbol …allaboutheaven.org

 

Also, connected with my left breast.. the larger one… and it presented as a cantaloupe.. juicy refreshing.. nurturing.. reminding me how good and gratifying life really is. So, with one breast nurturing my sexiness and yoni soul.. the other refreshing me in a continuous state of gratitude with recognition of the blissings of my life.. I am feeling so juicy.. feminine and loved up… I exhale.. and all my life is nurturing me prosperous.

So.. I wonder if there is more shadow to unearth.. perhaps there is or perhaps this simply is a miracle.. and all is truly forgiven.. I’ll leave  that to mystery  .. but for now.. my beloved breast  is feeling free and loved.. and I will continue to bless her with this freedom and wholeness..

.. every day I welcome the miracle of the day.. it came swiftly in the form of breast fill clouds.. my right breast, the breast that carried shame and un-forgiveness.. now feeling blessed, loved.. honored.. free and as beautiful as earth mothers floral.. arranged in my own loving bliss… Blessed is my breast.. both of them.  

So, my sisters.. I invite you in.. bless your mounds.. and regrettable feminine parts… bless them up in loving holiness.. and tell me the mystery of it.

with love.

Turning over a New Leaf, Holding Space for Me, Fall 2016

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I wanted to begin this blog post as a Dear Me letter, when I realized that this sounds way to trending for where my heart is at the moment. This right here is a Heart Moment. Today is September 22, 2016 the first full day of Autumn. I awakened this morning in the vibe of “I’m turning over a New Leaf” but really, I’m uncertain of what that looks like, and more importantly what that will feel like for me. See, as of now, I have recently resigned from my day position as a Child Protective Services Social Worker, you know the “baby snatchers”. Yes, this position was taught me what it really means to see Trauma. I’m certain I’m dealing with post-secondary, no doubt. So, I’m here, and available to offer full time spiritual services for which I LOVE. It makes my heart sing. I realize that as much as I am a Spiritualist, and I use this term loosely because my abilities can be categorized, that’s not important right now. I’m essentially a space holder for folks to do their own healing, I take my abilities along for the ride. And so this leads me to this space, this morning, feeling like, I have turned over a New Leaf. No, this is not about my service to the world but my service to myself. So, I thought to myself what is the most cathartic and creative space for me to work this out, my blog. This is suppose to be a space of sharing, I’ve used this space to share mostly my teachings, videos and a like. BUT I have decided to turn over a New Leaf and use this space for processing my emotions , feeling my life and dare I say HOLD SPACE FOR MYSELF. Okay, so I’m trying, to figure this out. What exactly does it mean to HOLD SPACE FOR MYSELF ?!

So, as I’m here burning my neroli and cedar incense sitting in the nude with my laptop, fresh out the shower with a cup of my favorite Womb Tonic, Red raspberry leaf tea with a dollop of orange blossom honey. I realize, perhaps this is what holding space for myself feels like. Perhaps, holding space for myself is moments like this, when my family is still at rest and I can freely sit here in the nude on my laptop with tea.  Of course there is more to this, i’m sure, I’m a Sagittarius and my thoughts, feelings and emotions run deep as the ocean floor.  So, I’ll take time to ponder this more.  My question,  What does it really mean to hold space for Me?  This will be a living document indeed. I’ll do this list style. anewleaf

Holding space for myself feels like…

  1. The stillness in  between movement, its the little pocket of spaces that are not filled with to do lists of mental clutter. Its the space where I can just Be. Like right now sipping this tea, as I hear my family rise and get busy. The birds are singing and there is a ray of light coming in the window. I’m good.
  2. Its the ability to understand and Act on the most healing things I can do for myself is  in grace, humility and justice, knowing that I will not get it right 100 % of the time, but by Goddess I have to do something ! Hence, I’m here writing in the nude. Ha! I’m talking about waving the flame of my Creativity this season. Writing is everything, and truly has been one of the most healing tools that I have had. You see, I am an extrovert, I love the mirror effect, to bounce thoughts of of people, to master mind, even my deepest thoughts. I pretty much have a hard time doing this with myself. So writing helps me to be with ME and to feel safe doing it. I dunno, it something about witnessing yourself through sacred text, you know.  An audience of One.
  3. Forgiveness, for the past week or so I’ve been feeling a deep sense of Humility, this is a Work in progress, well not so much Work but mindfulness that Everything has Value and that when I am in a space of humility I can really feel my life, I’m at ease. I can see more clearly and I’m at peace with myself and my surroundings. Humility is a teacher and its teaching me the value of forgiveness. Not just for myself, although this one of the most Important spaces to hold for myself, even daily. This is an Intention here, yes Hoʻoponopono Style. Hoʻoponopono (ho–o-pono-pono) is an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. (The Google Gods). I realized this morning that I can heal myself with this ritual or practice, but also my family members and ancestors. That by using this practice I can relieve myself of A lot of Shit. I mean hurts and pains, while Accepting that I came here to learn these lessons to, not all of this is my Ancestors shit !  Yea, there is a great sense of Maturity with this, because I totally get it, there are things that has happened to me, and choices that I have made as a result of my DNA, the scientist call this : Epigenetics. Basically its the shit you and your ancient do or don’t do that influence your DNA, your code. It’s the script. I’m scripted for brilliance and some dark shit to. And its the dark shit that I’m ready to Leggo ! So this reminds me that Autumn is the season of inner healing, silence and reaping of course, I’ve taken inventory of my harvest and I’ve done some pretty awesome things this year so far, I’ve hit many of my New Year Intentions for the year and I’ve survived the death of my Mother and Grandma-n-Law. Its an ongoing healing, but hey with Ancestral Consciousness and being a Medium, it makes life easier for me and my family. They right here in this house withe me. I hope to apply this technique this season for myself and my ancestors. After all, Forgiveness is the next logical step after Acceptance.
  4. Slowing my Ass Down !  Yes, okay my feet hurt, I mean seriously physically hurt. I’ve been running for quite some time, pushing, healing, making moves, expanding, now its time to Chill and really reap my harvest. I am here freely, sipping on tea, writing on my lap top. My husband is showering and my baby girl is at the table with a bowl of cereal. My Life is good, I can slow the pace down and feel it. I am safe to do so. I have All that I need. I am here. Later, I’ll do what I love. Ancestral and Womb Divination. but, no talks about service. This is about Holding Space for Me. Next.
  5. Grace, Grace and more Grace. ‘Nuff said here. I think about the Divine Feminine Way of things and we move through ebb and flow, cycles of nature, intuition  you know the stuff of the red tent and the Moon. We are just fuckin Magikal. but its really the Grace that makes us difference from all other creation, well at least Men lol. So I implore more Grace in my Life. I will explore what this means and feels like for me, I can say one thing, its certainly not pushing ! I move with ease and grace in all that I do. I live the feminine way. I have all that I need, why push, I’ll receive it, and move at the pace I am divined to move. No More Pushing I Proclaim ! lol  Yes, this is a healing sweet spot for Me.
  6. Breath.  Wow, so I come to the conclusion that I have been so busy with my aspirations to save the World ! Okay I know I am not the only one in Super Woman Recovery ! But yes, I have been all about that life, that I have not been breathing, okay it will help to move my body more and chill out, but for God sake !  I have shit to do and Create ! Who has time to Breathe.  I think about an old Weight Watchers Coach I had many moons ago, before I started my Intuitive Eating Movement and actually trusting myself to eat how I chose. Period. That’s another point tho. She use to say ” Well, how is that workin for ya ?”  When someone would share on grievance of things they should or shouldn’t be doing for their highest good. ” How’s that workin for ya ?!” Really, I need and deserve to fuckin  Breathe.  Oh sacred Air is so Powerful. So Clearing. I want more of that in my Life. And for fresh Autumn breeze, the crispiness of it All, my Goddess ! I Shall BREATHE AGAIN ! lol but seriously, my Lungs need rejuvenation.  So I’m loosely considering working out again. No pressure but Air, yes it’s necessary for Life.
  7. Being One with my Body. Being One with the Earth. Mama Earth. So, for most of my Life I have been disconnected form my body, hey, you’ve seen me. I got some weight on my bones.  You know its safety issues. But I realize this morning, that hey I’ve done a lot of the deep shit. (taking inventory of my sacred healing)  I’m feel empowered and safe here. This place is beginning to feel like HOME. So as I did my grounding ritual, for which I plan to do more of. I got some Root Chakra healing to do. 😉 In all humility, I just wanna feel Her. I just wanna be Her. To take in All that Mother Earth has to offer, I feel her Energy a few days ago in Ritual, she cares for me and desires for me to feel at Home here. I’m safe here, now its a matter of reconciling this with All of me. But yes, it starts with Humility and reverence for all that she has offered me and Man. That is human kind, you know. So I begin this journey to really feel Her presence in deep gratitude and humility. I’m looking to discover ways to do this and this season, is Perfect, plus it my favorite season  ! I LOOOOOVE AUTUMN !

newleaf

Well, it appears that I’m done. I don’t have anything else to say about my list. I will say this, I feel that I have held space for myself in this space. I witness myself first and foremost and I had fun doing this, so I will continue to explore these themes in my life and what it feels like in Action by God and Goddess Grace. I have a deep sense of Humility in this.  Hey, its Autumn, and I have turned over a New Leaf. I Live. Yes, I Really Live. Ase’.

Open Heart Living: Moments at a time, in between time. Peace.