Grief – Priestess Antranette Doe

Dear Womb Goddess,

I went on sacred blood hiatus from my yoni egg practice.. but with this beautiful new moon..womb lovin devotional and all the love vibrations of valentines and recent miracles.. .. I am feeling love all over me.. the truth is I am so supported.. and so are you.

Today, I did my yoni egg practice for 2 hours… I melted into my feminine being in ways.. I have never imagined this morning.. brought a deeper connection to my lover.. and so much nurture to my mounds.. as i felt my sensual energy rise.. my pelvic bowl filled up with big rainbow array of gerberana flowers.. my right breast began to ignite.. turning into a ball of fire.. in deep passion as I breathed deeply into my feminine space.. my jade egg rising.. my left breast taking on her own energy.. a spirit of gold.. honey flowing.. mmmmm.. the sweetness of Osun.. my soul love came to mind more…I began to chant his name..

meditating and sensual breathing… my breast rise and fall..on his name enabling my soul spirit to rise and stand in her true form .. my spirit greatness .. a greatness that joins us.. I breathe in all of him.. his love.. his power.. his truth of me.. and allowed myself to receive more of his love.. his power.. his covering in my feminine spirit as I rise in my own .. rainbow..breathing and pulling my jade egg upwards.. further and further into my succulent canal with every sensual movement….until she massaged my cervix and remained… here’s where the deep pleasure and healing began…

I peak and my body awakene in gentle innocence.. my inner goddess Oshun rise to greet me in cervical orgasm.. I receive messaging of deep satisfying whole body arousal.. not only vibrating as a big juicy pussy.. underneath there was.. a marrying my cervix and soul .. I feel her for the fist time in a way that I have never had.. my beautiful cervix.. she is the gatekeeper to the cosmology that is me.. the vast darkness of all of creation, my womb… I met her today in waves of orgasm and tears of release…you see after the loss of our baby boy.. she blames herself. She blames herself for he natural structure, for having to receive medical support to carry not just one baby but too.. for giving into soon and having the first be a preemie.. she blames herself for the loss of our baby. I ask her to search for evidence of this truth…and she couldn’t.. we couldn’t. The truth is.. it is not her fault. it is not my fault. there are way to many influences that allowed this to occur for reasons beyond this post.. and so after being immersed in pleasure.. I wept. she wept.. and we began to see truth.. Iya Oshun came for me to see more of me.. for me to invoke.. my strength and what I know to be true about this very real occurence.. I gave birth after carrying for nearly 5 months to a whole beautiful 1 lb baby boy.. who loves me and I love him.. I felt him wrapped on my back as I lied there after sequences of cobra pose.. he got my back.. he is pure love and he always will be.. he was fully received by my Egun.

I am blessed and strengthened.. more than yesterday.. I pulled myself and rested on my hip bones.. yoni to earth…and felt my jade egg in my cervix so much so.. I pressed my fingers at my bikini line.. the place where I’ve been cut two times to bring my babies in the world.. to my surpise she was really up in my cervix as I meditated with my fingers there.. I began to feel my innonence.. i journey to myself.. sitting under the Christmas tree.. in a car seat with my mom.. I am her present.. her birthday and holy day.. I am a gift to the world.. I became more innocence.. less blame.. less guilt.. less shame.. it was not my fault.. it really wasn’t.. I sat there in this pose for a spell.. stretched my hands to the heavens.. opened my heart. .with arms out wide to receive the worlds pureness.. and my own.. hugging myself.. deeply in relief…body hmming in love..cervix resting in contentment..one single butterfly flutter arounds me… oh this is how peace feels.. loves peace.. I am blessed in cervical waves.

Blessed is this day.. filled with waves of cervical pleasure.. release of grief and promises of contentment.

Ase’.

Sister Womb Goddesses.. coming to share in love and grief of my infant …I gave birth naturally at 5 months gestation, he was beautiful and fully developed..living for only one hour… we named him Clarence N. Doe III. .. yesterday…. yesterday was one of the worst days of my life… I was feeling very tender yesterday, grieving my baby..I called in and asked for love, light, prayer and space holding from my sisters…it was my actual Expected Due Date, and I grieved …expected to deliver my baby Clarence N. Doe, III. by cesarean yesterday while the world was blissful in Magikal Cosmology…it was unimaginably painful for me.

I spend the day nurturing myself the best I could.. as I’m healing my body now..from it all.. I nearly died beloveds.. I did some meditative walking, cried..lots and lots of crying.. nourished my womb.. blessed up er’thing.. I blessed my grief.. my desire to love … to watch him grow.. to enjoy him.. and all the significant pleasantry that a new baby bring.. I blessed my cervix because she has been deemed incompetent and suffered from stitching to save his life.. I blessed my body as she heals from a near death experience.. I blessed my womb.. his home and mine.. I blessed my life with love.. so much love and appreciation.. i’m a brave feminine soul.. creatress of life.. all life.. even this preciious life that has passed.

I set lights and poured libations in honor of my Egun ,as always they are my saviors..my mothers father in particular who.. I never knew nor did she really, she only met him once, he was a Jehovah Witness Pastor…he came to me at the beginning of my traditional healing after the birth and death of my baby… which lead to my initiation as Omo Oshun Priestess in Ifa.. to date.. as always my Egun come with no delay with assurance and you know ..what really supported me the most was sisterhood..

I got Real Life spoken into me.. so soft nurturing and lovely …I rested in it.. its a miracle … to allow yourself to be supported. I brought this into a beautiful meditative walking state yesterday as I sunk my feet into fresh blankets of soft snow… felt like I was walking on pillows.. ‘I am supported’.. listening to homes with wind chimes and noticing.. just noticing all the messages of nature.. as I walked to pick up my preschooler… and into the evening.. my phone vibrated with text messages full of love, healing and just witnessing.. I cried and still cry tears of release.. on this screen.. big ones.. with so much gratitude.. sisterhood rang in my soul.. their words and love.. a healing balm.. in the truth, I couldn’t conjure myself… I expected to love him.. to be loved by him.. to watch our other kiddos love up on him… to see my husband lift him up like Mustafa the Lion King as he did our other children in pride and admiration as he softly kissed his forehead. One of my sisters gave me the permission I needed.. she said in full mother spirit…”its okay to love him.. love him all you want and let it wash over me”… I feel so inspired to do so..as I need.. as he calls.

My beloved husband held space for me.. like only a masculine could.. putting aside his own feelings for mine, taking care …I awakened feeling refreshed.. I offered my womb blessings of clearing .. clearing of grief, sadness and continued blessing of my expectancy and desire to love my baby boy … filling up with loves presence.

and so.. today, I’m sitting in the essence of blessings.. the entire 9 months are complete.. there will be more milestone days to come..but this too has passed. So, thankful.. I hope the cosmos are treating you well.. whatever it is.. just be with it… let it wash over you … it will surely pass..for you as well.. such as life.. I looked upon the hills and heard.. ‘these are the days of my life’.. and so they are …Womb Goddess Blessings be upon you all and to the Women who have experienced loss..I feel it in my own bones.. I know your pain.. I see you, you are me.. there is no shame …I love you.